Gamers come crawling back to the Xbox brand

Yesterday, in a surprising move, Microsoft retracted nearly all of their Xbox One consumer rights policies. The decision caused gamers around the world to rejoice and grovel to Microsoft for their forgiveness.

The policy changes appeared rather suddenly. Before yesterday, Microsoft was not only sticking to their changes, but they were adding on more bad news almost daily. It’s rumored that Microsoft’s Major Nelson was standing atop Mount Sinai, reading off new ways to punish buyers of the Xbox One, while fire and brimstone rained from above- when Microsoft’s Don Mattrick tapped Nelson on the shoulder and whispered the bad news in his ear. “No more fun,” Donny sighed.

Gamers come crawling back to the Xbox brand“No more 24 hour check-ins?” Major asked.

“No,” replied Don.

“No more used game restrictions?”

“No, Major,”  chimed Phil Spencer.

“No more restrictions on game lending?” Nelson pleaded.

“I’m so sorry,” said Mattrick, choking back tears.

The two then embraced as the stone Xbox One Commandment tablets cracked before their eyes. It wasn’t long before the trio picked up their PR-shaped heads and looked with fury over a crowd of rejoicing gamers. “They will pay for this,” Mattrick said.

And pay you shall. Microsoft’s dream of complete control over your content has been crushed. At least for this generation (or until Microsoft releases a patch that undoes all of these changes). But because of your gamer sins, the Xbox One’s family sharing plan is gone. And so is the ability to play a game without the disc in the tray.

Big fuggin’ deal.

Meanwhile, in message board gamer land: flip flops are the newest fashion trend. Once the big news broke out, gamers around the world wide web broke out in celebration!

“YES! Now I can buy the Xbox One in confidence that Microsoft will never try to screw me over again!” said one passionate fan.

Major Nelson does not like to look like a fool.

Major Nelson does not like to look like a fool.

“This is great news! I was going to buy the Xbox One anyway, but now I won’t be embarrassed to tell my friends about it,” rejoiced LetMeTouchURXbox1996.


Yes, gamers around the world are now crawling on their knees to the Microsoft Mecca to make sure that they can play Halo 5 and Forza 5. With the memory of a goldfish and the foresight of a cat stuck up a tree, gamers are fleeing back to Microsoft’s tender green arms for another console generation. Surely the company that was ready to shake you down for cash every time you turned on your console wouldn’t do the same thing again in the next 5 – 8 years?

The good news is that Microsoft didn’t fold all of their cards though. Kinect is still required and it’s still the perfect tool for the NSA employee that’s grown bored of watching you view porn through your laptop webcam. And your Microsoft points still expire after one year without use and as of now, the Xbox One is still $100 more than the PS4. So Microsoft isn’t coming out of this without some honor to their name.

So cheers to Microsoft, cheers to gamers! We forgive and forget much faster than we are to anger. May the console world flow with the blood of Microsoft’s enemies! At least until they try it again during the next console cycle…